Just questions, no answers.......

I can not understand why on earth this industry is the only thing i want to do but at the same time has the ability to cripple me, over and over again!

I have been trying so hard to just be content with what i have at the moment but i can't help but want more. I want that job at a big magic circle firm and i want it now. Here is the problem.... everytime i even think about actually applying for something my stomach does back flips and i feel an incredibly overwhelming need to hurl. I just tried again to decide what i should do......... in this industry at this time you need a job.... rite.... rite! But what happens if you can't find a job..... well i thought the one thing i should do is go bac into education so i look up a few courses an LLM here a teaching degree there and i'm faced with this problem........ what on earth do i do next. What really is the best step.

The problem with this industry is you need money.... yea i would love to just apply for an LLM or even the LPC or maybe study in NYC and do the LLM at columbia or something.... but the fact is there is a debt waiting for me at home and i really do not want to add to it, for the fear that i may never be able to actually get a job with all this poxy education and then what am i left with..... debt and certifcate, which are as good as gift vouchers or store credit........ they really do not mean ish!!

I'm perplexed though.... by my ability to do absoluetly everything except what i am supposed to do and so i'm forced to wonder what exactly i am supposed to do in this circumstance.Maybe this makes no sense to you but it makes sense to me......

All i know is life is passing me by and i feel like an observer watchin a bad movie unfold, powerless to change the ending or even press pause and just think clearly about the next chapter in life........